"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me".
In other words, guilt is formed between you, your mind and the mistake you did. Whereas, shame is just between you and your mind. Its a form of self attack, which in any form can complicate your life beyond limits. Therefore, shame is much more potent than guilt.
When guilt and shame is justified, emotions fit your wise mind values, the "shoulds" that we carry in our wise mind. If we let the guilt consume us, we'll soon see that guilt and shame will make love within us.
With guilt, we must try to REPAIR the transgression. Saying sorry and doing something nice for the person can help you feel alright. If, for some reason, it isn't possible, then you can do something nice for someone else. Apologizing can be hard for a lot of people. Some of us are just not comfortable accepting our mistakes. And some of us do accept our mistakes, but decide to leave it up to either God or time or both to do the repair. But in case of guilt and shame, its will be better if you can do some repair yourself before leaving things to God and time.
Carrying guilt in your mind is like carrying a huge rock in your heart. Your heart feels heavy and you feel weighed down all the time and according to me, its a bad habit to carry guilt around. For me, talking to the person I have wronged helps. I also COMMIT to avoid that mistake in the future. It helps bring the trust back into the relationship and also helps my self esteem. The commitment is more of a promise to myself than to the other person.
When I talk about doing the above, I am not arguing that there will not be any consequences to your mistake. Before you apologize you must be willing to ACCEPT the consequences of your mistake. The ball is in their court. The one you hurted might request time and space from you. Respect their request, knowing they might never forgive you.
What you do after this is the most important: LET IT GO. Yeah, I know, easier said and done. I have heard meditation can help. Being mindful that you have done everything possible to repair the situation can help. Respecting the importance of time can help. Respecting the other person's emotions can help. And once you master this process, you will be called a "mature person".
I think, stories are the best way to tell something. So, let me tell you one.
Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. They lived in separate towns and loved each other very much. But the boy never visited her or did anything to make her feel special, not even a casual phone call. He was always busy chasing other girls. She was a prisoner of his love. Whenever there was an opportunity, she tried to persuade him to pay her a visit. They had not seen each other in ages. But he never came. One day, she asked the boy to set her free. He said,"I cannot. I need you. I have set your address in my GPS a long time ago. I really want to take that journey. But, I am not getting an opportunity."
What do you think? Did he not have the opportunity or he just didn't see it? Because, in my opinion, he might have had the "want" for this girl, but not the need. If he did, even the smallest opportunity would have urged him to take that journey.
Even though, I talked about the relationship between want, need and opportunity through a silly love story, this is one of the basic principles of marketing. Actually, the vicious circle of marketing...the Game of Human Psychology. First, create a want in a customer. During this period, if the customer has the means, he might indulge in these wants. But, he can definitely resist it. In other words, he has a choice. Choice to spend his money or not. Then, the real game begins. This "want" becomes a "need". Its a thin line. But once he crosses that, his whole thinking can change. To satisfy this need, in a heart beat he will become an innovator....his mind will raise like a horse...like a chess player, he will plan every move to get where he wants to go. He will grab every opportunity and if they don't exist, he will create them. Depending on how strong his need is, he won't rest till he attains what he wants....till he can hold his object of desire in his own hands. Aww....sweet victory. At that moment, he might feel speechless and shaky with happiness. He will reach his expected cardio workout heart rate, the one which he struggles to reach when he tries to workout every now and then, without moving a muscle. His pupils will have the size of a football. He will hear his mind singing Haaa...llelujah Hallelujah and his GPS will say,"You have reached your destination".
This is not only true for marketing, it is true for every aspect of our life. To do an MBA, to be with your lover, to be peaceful with yourself, to eat, to drink, to breathe; any activity can be talked in terms of these three simple words. Many people sit on their dreams for years to do their MBA even without buying the text book to study for the GMAT. Some even drop the whole dream, realizing they do not have the need! How many people, including me, put off having a baby for years till they have the need for that parental feeling?
Its simple. Opportunities are created by the needy. Your actions are directly proportional to your needs. If they are not strong enough, you will sit on it till the days end and never see any opportunities that pass by you. Your wants are just like passing thoughts and your GPS is equivalent to your old Archie's address book.
The good old proverb says it well: When there is a will, there is a way. I wish that boy had this wisdom.
Today Barrack Obama became President Elect Barrack Obama!!! I just have to celebrate and log my happiness in my blog.
I am usually not very fond of politics and elections. But this year, I felt my vote counts and my opinion counts. But since I am not a citizen of America, I couldn't vote. Oh Boy, did that stop me from being part of Obama's victory? No-ways. I vouched for him whenever and whereever I could. When I heard the news that he won, I took a moment to humbly thank God and then rushed to join a huge crowd at the Union Square in San Francisco to shout and scream O-bama. O-bama. O-bama... I felt happy and proud. I cried and laughed at the same time. Saw the tears of joy in both older and younger African Americans. Now, why should I be so emotional about this event? Why would his victory make any difference to me? I am afraid, I have absolutely no idea. But its alright with me that I do not know the answer.
Even before I knew anything about him, I started supporting him. Mainly because of the way he talked. His speech were show stoppers. Like gospel. A good orator can outrun anybody. His confidence was never shaken, even in the midst of obstructions like wall street meltdown, racial allegations or even the most eventful question about his birth certificate. He was a believer and nobody could shake his stand. He never uttered a single word which gave away his fears. Well delivered sentences while avoiding the tactful questioning of talented interviewers: not everybody can do that with ease. I admire his people skills and his faith in unity and teamwork.
I do know he will make mistakes during his tenure. But I believe he will not repeat them twice. That gives me hope for a better tomorrow and hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
War time rapes have never been limited to any particular era or part of the world. In ancient times, it was used as a reward to the champion. In more modern times, it became a random phenomenon mostly controlled by the local regime .
One might think as time proceeded, humans rights became more pronounced, thus this phenomenon would have subsided. Shockingly, in this most modern era, rapes are done more systematically. If you look at the statistics from wars that occurred, during the 20th century, in different countries around the world , you will see that rapes were done in a very organized way and mostly with a motive. Nazis raped Jews; Japanese raped Chinese; Americans raped Vietnamese; Serbians raped Bosnians. Sri Lankans, Kashmiris, Bengalis, Burmese, Somalians, Ugandans...the list can go on for ever. You can get a whole list along with years at this link: http://www.religioustolerance.org/war_rape.htm
I never really understood how a woman might feel after she has been raped: what goes through her mind, what does she think in private, what new fears does she have, does she have feelings or what happens to her inner self, untill I read Vagina Monologue, written by Eve Ensler. Again this is a book, I picked up while lazily gazing through the shelves of the public library, looking for "something" to read. I thought, naughty sounding title; being naughty myself, I went for it. I felt very very naughty reading it too, in the public with people walking past me all the time, till I reached this chapter called: My vagina was My Village. It made me cry. Sitting on a small plastic stool, in that narrow alley, with stacks of books towering over me on both sides, I struggled to control my tears.
Before I proceed, let me give a brief introduction about the book. This book is a collection of monologues with various women across the world and how they related to their vaginas. Among the women, some were raped, some were sexually abused in childhood, some embrassed their sexuality completely, and some were even angry at their vagina. She used to ask them, "If you are given a choice to name your vagina, what would you name it?". There are chapters that would make you laugh like crazy, some makes you blush, but some will make you cry like a baby.
So, someday, when you are feeling open minded and naughty, like how I felt that day, pick it up and read it, I am sure it'll take you by surprise. If not, go to YouTube, there is a whole series done by SFSU. Oh yeah, the one and only San-Francisco!!!
The chapter, My Vagina was My Village is based on the testimonies of a Bosnian women, who was gang raped by soldiers. Of course, since then, the topic: war time rapes, horrifies me. But its the way its written that left me dazed. Somethings makes you feel so heavy at heart, you can hardly express it. Rather than talking more about it, I'd say read it yourself and tell me: did it make you feel, how it made me feel??
An extract from the book, The Vagina Monologues written by Eve Ensler, a playwright and feminist.
In 1993, when I returned to New York after spending 2 months interviewing the Bosnian women refugees in Pakistan and Croatia, I was in a state of outrage. Outraged that 20,000 to 70,000 women are being rapped in the middle of Europe, as a systematic tactics of war, and no one was doing anything to stop it. I couldn't understand it. One of my friends asked me, why are you surprised. Over 500,000 women are raped every year in this country, and in theory we are not at war.
This monologue is based on one women’s story. I wanted to thank her for sharing it with her. I was in awe of her spirit and strength, as I was in awe with every woman I met who survived these terrible atrocities in the former Yugoslavia. This piece is for the Women in Bosnia.
Chapter: My Vagina was my Village.
My vagina was green, water soft pink fields, cow mooing, sun resting, sweet boyfriend touching lightly with soft piece of bland straw.
There is something between my legs. I do not know what it is. I do not know where it is. I do not touch. Not now. Not anymore. Not since.
My vagina was chatty, can’t wait, so much, so much saying, words talking, can’t quit trying, can’t quit saying, oh yes, oh yes.
Not since I dream there’s a dead animal sewn in down there with thick black fishing line. And the dead animal smell cannot be removed. And it’s throat slit and its bleeds through all my summer dresses.
My vagina singing all girls songs, all goats bells ringing songs, all wild autumn fields songs, vagina songs, vagina home songs.
Not since the soldiers put a long thick rifle inside me. So cold, the steel rod canceling my heart. Don’t know whether they’re going to fire it or share it through my spinning brain. Six of them, monstrous doctors with black masks shoving bottles up me too. There were sticks and the end of a broom.
My vagina swimming river water, clean spilling water over sun bathed stones over stone clit, clit stones over and over.
Not since I heard the skin tear, and lemon screeching sounds, not since a piece of my vagina come off in my hand, a part of the lip, now one side of the lip is completely gone.
My vagina: a live wet water village. My vagina my hometown.
Not since they took turns for seven days smelling feces and smoked meat, they left their dirty sperms inside me. I became a river of poison and pus and all the crops died, and the fish.
My vagina a live wet water village. They invaded it. Butchered it and burned it down. I do not touch now. Do not visit. I live someplace else now. I don’t know where that is.
Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaanay kay liyay aa Aa phir say mujhay chhorr kay jaanay kay liyay aa
Pehlay say maraasim na sahi phir bhi kabhi to Rasm-o-rahay duniya hi nibhaanay kay liyay aa
Kis kis ko bataayengay judaai kaa sabab ham Tu mujh se khafaa hai to zamaanay kay liyay aa
Kuchh to meri pindaar-e-mohabbat ka bharam rakh Tu bhi to kabhi mujh ko manaanay kay liyay aa
Ek umr say hun lazzat-e-giryaa se bhi mehruum Aye raahat-e-jaan mujh ko rulaanay kay liyay aa
Ab tak dil-e-khush_feham ko tujh say hain ummeedain Ye aakhari shammain bhi bujhaanay kay liyay aa ********************************************* Come, even if only to break my heart Come, even if only to leave me again
Yes, it is no longer like before, but still Come, if only for the sake of convention
I cannot tell people the reasons for our separation Come, even if unhappy, for public show
Respect just a little my love for you Come, for once, just to appease me
For long I haven’t had even the pleasure of lament Come, joy of my life, if only to make me weep again
My heart, the optimist, still retains some hope Come, to extinguish even these last little embers.
I am not an expert in Urdu, neither can I understand it very well. But whenever I read an Urdu poem, I find myself taking pains to search for word translations in Google. I want to understand them.
The above poem was written by Ahmad Faraz, one of the greatest modern Urdu poets, who lived during the last century. Its sung by many. A simple search in YouTube can give you many results. But I reccomend picking up a version sung by a female singer. Here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGZfS3gUW8c&feature=related
Now lets talk about the reason why I brought this up. Divorce. Even though this poem is considered romantic, after I talked and observed many divorcees, I realized they also had these mixed emotions. These emotions and thoughts occur before, during and after the divorce. At one point or the other, they all want their ex back, even though you might never hear them say it loudly. The fear and hurt is so strong and deep that they all choose to wear a mask instead.
I always say, loving someone and living together are two different things. One might be madly in love with someone, but he/she might find it highly impossible to live with that person under the same roof. It applies to both love and arranged marriages. Ask around, you will see that lot of divorces happened for no major reason. Its the small small reasons, which piled up over time, that caused the separation. But when people hear about them, they say," You chose to divorce for that?? Ridiculous!!". Well, let me ask you: what gives you the right to ask such a question. Everybody has their reasons. You just need to understand it from their prospective. If you do not have the ability to do so, at least do not ask stupid questions.
So, I say please do not judge. If you haven't been there yourself, you might never understand them completely. But you can do something for them. They are hurting and taking baby steps to make sense out this fatalistic situation in their life. So, be there for them and support them without judging or imposing your will. Encourage them to be their own healers. Be a good listener and do not isolate them. Include them in your parties. Divorce is not contagious.
I also request those couples, who have children and still contemplating divorce, to really think before making a decision. Somehow, I am yet to accept that a child will "eventually" grow out of it. I believe, they never will.
Have you ever read any of God's quotations which reflected uncertainty? He never said I might be your savior. Rather he says," I am your savior". We can list many of his quotations, where confidence is clearly reflected.
Same applies to a successful sales person. The mantra of a successful sales person is Sell with Confidence. While selling you say," If you accept my offer, I WILL solve your problem" rather than” If you accept my offer, I MIGHT BE able to solve your problem". If you want to make a sale, you have to believe in what you are selling and sell it with confidence.
Now you might think its strange calling God a sales person, which will in turn imply that most of us are his customers. Your next question can be what’s his 1-800 number? Well, spare me, alright. I didn't make this up. I love selling. One day, I was wandering through the selling gurus aisle in Borders, looking for some non-monotonous pep talk, I saw a catchy title: God is a Sales man: Learn from the Master. It is written by Mark Stevens, a marketing guru based in NY. Soon it became one of those page turner books for me and it has definitely changed my life. The book not only added value to my professional thinking, but also to my personal life. Even though the book is targeted towards sales people, it is also an easy read for anyone; moreover, it can be a good gift.
Now, take a moment to think with me, will you? During our daily life, we all endure ups and downs, don't we? But even at the lowest point of our lives, there is always something which we can thank God for. Unfortunately, most of us are preoccupied with dictating God how he should do his job, we fail to see what he already sold us. Pay attention, you will see. Everything happens for good. God is always selling you something. In The Color Purple, an Alice Walker novel, Shug tells Celie this same message in a different manner: "God is always trying to impress you with something". In other words, even if he loses you as a customer for a while, he will upsell something, which will soon make you notice things and say "Thank you, God".
Well, till you actually try to name something, such as a baby, a blog, an organization, you never realize how much time consuming the naming process can be and how much importance the name has.
I wanted the name of my blog to reflect who I am. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I am a walking wikipedia, not in terms of topics I can talk about, but in terms of change. I am always in a constant state of change. My passions change, my moods change, my opinions change, my knowledge about things change.The past has an effect on me, but it does not define who I am today. I believe in the power of now; time is now; now is the time.
One thing though, unlike in wikipedia, in my blog I will not edit an existing entry, but I will post a new one stating my new insight on the topic. Hence I request all my readers to bear in mind that nothing stated in my entries is final and everything is solely based on my opinion at that particular point of time, when the entry was made. Everything changes. Its only a matter of time.
I also encourage my readers to share their opinions with me. I like positive criticisms. But please do remember, rudeness will not be tolerated.
