The role of words in Love and Anger.

I am writing a blog post after a very long time. Crazy schedules do take a toll on you sometimes.

Due to some reason, some guys in my husband's office had an open discussion about anger and violence between married couples. Next day, one guy send out an email to others. If I am not mistaken, he drafted it himself. I also do not know the source of its content. Here's the email.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

I thanked my husband for sharing the email with me. Usually, I have opinions about everything. But this one, I just read and passed it on. One of my friends said,"Amazing to know that". I couldn't have agreed more.

Stop that Chatter.

I am talking about the nonstop chatter that the electronic world has introduced into our daily lives. One of my friend said the other day, " During traffic, why worry about good music system in your car , when your mobile can sound almost like your boss??"

Yesterday in a meeting, I heard/saw the peer frustration of a woman trying to deal with mobile chatter. She was comparing 2 weeks of her life with each other. One week with her phone switched off; she took care of herself; she had amble time to do everything she wanted; life was beautiful. Other, when her phone wouldn't stop buzzing with calls and texts and the how little time she had for anything. She felt that the outside world is trying to run her life. With no surprise, I saw many others joining the conversation in no time with their share of experiences and frustrations. But everybody unanimously agreed to the bottom line: we need the phone in today's world; its a necessity.

In case of electronic items, we need to understand that they are here to stay and as days go by more and more will enter our lives. The Japanese company, Sony recently introduced a computer, which fits into the back pocket of a tight jeans; at least that is what the ad said.Thus , it is easy for everybody to be in everybody else space all the time. There is no concept of just office time or family time. The overlapping became much more complicated after the world went WiFi. Sometimes, we find it easier to manage the professional world than the personal world. How to tell your friend not to send you silly text messages and expects you to reply or your family who calls you in the middle of the work day. So, keeping all these facts in mind, we must learn to live with the phone, like a spouse.

At times, even I struggle with all these chatter . But if I can ,I practice leaving my cellphone on the quiet mode when I go to bed or during weekends. It helps me pause and see all the wonderful things God has given me. I also tend to notice the small small things , which my husband does for me. I need not say much, but you know how that can work like magic in a marriage. Practice, putting your cellphones on "quiet" mode, not just "vibrate" for sometime during the day. Just the way we put it on quiet when we go for meetings. Unlike what you think, this can improve your productivity. You can even practice this at home. Its like practicing manners at home: to your spouse, your children and yourself. We have the power to control this chatter in our lives and this is just a simple step towards living a more meaningful and mindful life. Try it, you will feel like you are on vacation within the four walls of your home.

Guilt and Shame.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me".

In other words, guilt is formed between you, your mind and the mistake you did. Whereas, shame is just between you and your mind. Its a form of self attack, which in any form can complicate your life beyond limits. Therefore, shame is much more potent than guilt.

When guilt and shame is justified, emotions fit your wise mind values, the "shoulds" that we carry in our wise mind. If we let the guilt consume us, we'll soon see that guilt and shame will make love within us.

With guilt, we must try to REPAIR the transgression. Saying sorry and doing something nice for the person can help you feel alright. If, for some reason, it isn't possible, then you can do something nice for someone else. Apologizing can be hard for a lot of people. Some of us are just not comfortable accepting our mistakes. And some of us do accept our mistakes, but decide to leave it up to either God or time or both to do the repair. But in case of guilt and shame, its will be better if you can do some repair yourself before leaving things to God and time.

Carrying guilt in your mind is like carrying a huge rock in your heart. Your heart feels heavy and you feel weighed down all the time and according to me, its a bad habit to carry guilt around. For me, talking to the person I have wronged helps. I also COMMIT to avoid that mistake in the future. It helps bring the trust back into the relationship and also helps my self esteem. The commitment is more of a promise to myself than to the other person.

When I talk about doing the above, I am not arguing that there will not be any consequences to your mistake. Before you apologize you must be willing to ACCEPT the consequences of your mistake. The ball is in their court. The one you hurted might request time and space from you. Respect their request, knowing they might never forgive you.

What you do after this is the most important: LET IT GO. Yeah, I know, easier said and done. I have heard meditation can help. Being mindful that you have done everything possible to repair the situation can help. Respecting the importance of time can help. Respecting the other person's emotions can help. And once you master this process, you will be called a "mature person".

Someday, even I will become mature.

Casual Nexus : Need, Want and Opportunity.

I think, stories are the best way to tell something. So, let me tell you one.

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. They lived in separate towns and loved each other very much. But the boy never visited her or did anything to make her feel special, not even a casual phone call. He was always busy chasing other girls. She was a prisoner of his love. Whenever there was an opportunity, she tried to persuade him to pay her a visit. They had not seen each other in ages. But he never came. One day, she asked the boy to set her free. He said,"I cannot. I need you. I have set your address in my GPS a long time ago. I really want to take that journey. But, I am not getting an opportunity."

What do you think? Did he not have the opportunity or he just didn't see it? Because, in my opinion, he might have had the "want" for this girl, but not the need. If he did, even the smallest opportunity would have urged him to take that journey.

Even though, I talked about the relationship between want, need and opportunity through a silly love story, this is one of the basic principles of marketing. Actually, the vicious circle of marketing...the Game of Human Psychology. First, create a want in a customer. During this period, if the customer has the means, he might indulge in these wants. But, he can definitely resist it. In other words, he has a choice. Choice to spend his money or not. Then, the real game begins. This "want" becomes a "need". Its a thin line. But once he crosses that, his whole thinking can change. To satisfy this need, in a heart beat he will become an innovator....his mind will raise like a horse...like a chess player, he will plan every move to get where he wants to go. He will grab every opportunity and if they don't exist, he will create them. Depending on how strong his need is, he won't rest till he attains what he wants....till he can hold his object of desire in his own hands. Aww....sweet victory. At that moment, he might feel speechless and shaky with happiness. He will reach his expected cardio workout heart rate, the one which he struggles to reach when he tries to workout every now and then, without moving a muscle. His pupils will have the size of a football. He will hear his mind singing Haaa...llelujah Hallelujah and his GPS will say,"You have reached your destination".

This is not only true for marketing, it is true for every aspect of our life. To do an MBA, to be with your lover, to be peaceful with yourself, to eat, to drink, to breathe; any activity can be talked in terms of these three simple words. Many people sit on their dreams for years to do their MBA even without buying the text book to study for the GMAT. Some even drop the whole dream, realizing they do not have the need! How many people, including me, put off having a baby for years till they have the need for that parental feeling?

Its simple. Opportunities are created by the needy. Your actions are directly proportional to your needs. If they are not strong enough, you will sit on it till the days end and never see any opportunities that pass by you. Your wants are just like passing thoughts and your GPS is equivalent to your old Archie's address book.

The good old proverb says it well: When there is a will, there is a way. I wish that boy had this wisdom.