The role of words in Love and Anger.

I am writing a blog post after a very long time. Crazy schedules do take a toll on you sometimes.

Due to some reason, some guys in my husband's office had an open discussion about anger and violence between married couples. Next day, one guy send out an email to others. If I am not mistaken, he drafted it himself. I also do not know the source of its content. Here's the email.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

I thanked my husband for sharing the email with me. Usually, I have opinions about everything. But this one, I just read and passed it on. One of my friends said,"Amazing to know that". I couldn't have agreed more.

Stop that Chatter.

I am talking about the nonstop chatter that the electronic world has introduced into our daily lives. One of my friend said the other day, " During traffic, why worry about good music system in your car , when your mobile can sound almost like your boss??"

Yesterday in a meeting, I heard/saw the peer frustration of a woman trying to deal with mobile chatter. She was comparing 2 weeks of her life with each other. One week with her phone switched off; she took care of herself; she had amble time to do everything she wanted; life was beautiful. Other, when her phone wouldn't stop buzzing with calls and texts and the how little time she had for anything. She felt that the outside world is trying to run her life. With no surprise, I saw many others joining the conversation in no time with their share of experiences and frustrations. But everybody unanimously agreed to the bottom line: we need the phone in today's world; its a necessity.

In case of electronic items, we need to understand that they are here to stay and as days go by more and more will enter our lives. The Japanese company, Sony recently introduced a computer, which fits into the back pocket of a tight jeans; at least that is what the ad said.Thus , it is easy for everybody to be in everybody else space all the time. There is no concept of just office time or family time. The overlapping became much more complicated after the world went WiFi. Sometimes, we find it easier to manage the professional world than the personal world. How to tell your friend not to send you silly text messages and expects you to reply or your family who calls you in the middle of the work day. So, keeping all these facts in mind, we must learn to live with the phone, like a spouse.

At times, even I struggle with all these chatter . But if I can ,I practice leaving my cellphone on the quiet mode when I go to bed or during weekends. It helps me pause and see all the wonderful things God has given me. I also tend to notice the small small things , which my husband does for me. I need not say much, but you know how that can work like magic in a marriage. Practice, putting your cellphones on "quiet" mode, not just "vibrate" for sometime during the day. Just the way we put it on quiet when we go for meetings. Unlike what you think, this can improve your productivity. You can even practice this at home. Its like practicing manners at home: to your spouse, your children and yourself. We have the power to control this chatter in our lives and this is just a simple step towards living a more meaningful and mindful life. Try it, you will feel like you are on vacation within the four walls of your home.

Guilt and Shame.

"Guilt says I've done something wrong; shame says there is something wrong with me".

In other words, guilt is formed between you, your mind and the mistake you did. Whereas, shame is just between you and your mind. Its a form of self attack, which in any form can complicate your life beyond limits. Therefore, shame is much more potent than guilt.

When guilt and shame is justified, emotions fit your wise mind values, the "shoulds" that we carry in our wise mind. If we let the guilt consume us, we'll soon see that guilt and shame will make love within us.

With guilt, we must try to REPAIR the transgression. Saying sorry and doing something nice for the person can help you feel alright. If, for some reason, it isn't possible, then you can do something nice for someone else. Apologizing can be hard for a lot of people. Some of us are just not comfortable accepting our mistakes. And some of us do accept our mistakes, but decide to leave it up to either God or time or both to do the repair. But in case of guilt and shame, its will be better if you can do some repair yourself before leaving things to God and time.

Carrying guilt in your mind is like carrying a huge rock in your heart. Your heart feels heavy and you feel weighed down all the time and according to me, its a bad habit to carry guilt around. For me, talking to the person I have wronged helps. I also COMMIT to avoid that mistake in the future. It helps bring the trust back into the relationship and also helps my self esteem. The commitment is more of a promise to myself than to the other person.

When I talk about doing the above, I am not arguing that there will not be any consequences to your mistake. Before you apologize you must be willing to ACCEPT the consequences of your mistake. The ball is in their court. The one you hurted might request time and space from you. Respect their request, knowing they might never forgive you.

What you do after this is the most important: LET IT GO. Yeah, I know, easier said and done. I have heard meditation can help. Being mindful that you have done everything possible to repair the situation can help. Respecting the importance of time can help. Respecting the other person's emotions can help. And once you master this process, you will be called a "mature person".

Someday, even I will become mature.

Casual Nexus : Need, Want and Opportunity.

I think, stories are the best way to tell something. So, let me tell you one.

Once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. They lived in separate towns and loved each other very much. But the boy never visited her or did anything to make her feel special, not even a casual phone call. He was always busy chasing other girls. She was a prisoner of his love. Whenever there was an opportunity, she tried to persuade him to pay her a visit. They had not seen each other in ages. But he never came. One day, she asked the boy to set her free. He said,"I cannot. I need you. I have set your address in my GPS a long time ago. I really want to take that journey. But, I am not getting an opportunity."

What do you think? Did he not have the opportunity or he just didn't see it? Because, in my opinion, he might have had the "want" for this girl, but not the need. If he did, even the smallest opportunity would have urged him to take that journey.

Even though, I talked about the relationship between want, need and opportunity through a silly love story, this is one of the basic principles of marketing. Actually, the vicious circle of marketing...the Game of Human Psychology. First, create a want in a customer. During this period, if the customer has the means, he might indulge in these wants. But, he can definitely resist it. In other words, he has a choice. Choice to spend his money or not. Then, the real game begins. This "want" becomes a "need". Its a thin line. But once he crosses that, his whole thinking can change. To satisfy this need, in a heart beat he will become an innovator....his mind will raise like a horse...like a chess player, he will plan every move to get where he wants to go. He will grab every opportunity and if they don't exist, he will create them. Depending on how strong his need is, he won't rest till he attains what he wants....till he can hold his object of desire in his own hands. Aww....sweet victory. At that moment, he might feel speechless and shaky with happiness. He will reach his expected cardio workout heart rate, the one which he struggles to reach when he tries to workout every now and then, without moving a muscle. His pupils will have the size of a football. He will hear his mind singing Haaa...llelujah Hallelujah and his GPS will say,"You have reached your destination".

This is not only true for marketing, it is true for every aspect of our life. To do an MBA, to be with your lover, to be peaceful with yourself, to eat, to drink, to breathe; any activity can be talked in terms of these three simple words. Many people sit on their dreams for years to do their MBA even without buying the text book to study for the GMAT. Some even drop the whole dream, realizing they do not have the need! How many people, including me, put off having a baby for years till they have the need for that parental feeling?

Its simple. Opportunities are created by the needy. Your actions are directly proportional to your needs. If they are not strong enough, you will sit on it till the days end and never see any opportunities that pass by you. Your wants are just like passing thoughts and your GPS is equivalent to your old Archie's address book.

The good old proverb says it well: When there is a will, there is a way. I wish that boy had this wisdom.

Obama: A great Orator

Today Barrack Obama became President Elect Barrack Obama!!!
I just have to celebrate and log my happiness in my blog.

I am usually not very fond of politics and elections. But this year, I felt my vote counts and my opinion counts. But since I am not a citizen of America, I couldn't vote. Oh Boy, did that stop me from being part of Obama's victory? No-ways. I vouched for him whenever and whereever I could. When I heard the news that he won, I took a moment to humbly thank God and then rushed to join a huge crowd at the Union Square in San Francisco to shout and scream O-bama. O-bama. O-bama... I felt happy and proud. I cried and laughed at the same time. Saw the tears of joy in both older and younger African Americans. Now, why should I be so emotional about this event? Why would his victory make any difference to me? I am afraid, I have absolutely no idea. But its alright with me that I do not know the answer.

Even before I knew anything about him, I started supporting him. Mainly because of the way he talked. His speech were show stoppers. Like gospel. A good orator can outrun anybody. His confidence was never shaken, even in the midst of obstructions like wall street meltdown, racial allegations or even the most eventful question about his birth certificate. He was a believer and nobody could shake his stand. He never uttered a single word which gave away his fears. Well delivered sentences while avoiding the tactful questioning of talented interviewers: not everybody can do that with ease. I admire his people skills and his faith in unity and teamwork.

I do know he will make mistakes during his tenure. But I believe he will not repeat them twice. That gives me hope for a better tomorrow and hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Good Luck, President Barrack Obama!!

War Time Rapes.

War time rapes have never been limited to any particular era or part of the world. In ancient times, it was used as a reward to the champion. In more modern times, it became a random phenomenon mostly controlled by the local regime .

One might think as time proceeded, humans rights became more pronounced, thus this phenomenon would have subsided. Shockingly, in this most modern era, rapes are done more systematically. If you look at the statistics from wars that occurred, during the 20th century, in different countries around the world , you will see that rapes were done in a very organized way and mostly with a motive. Nazis raped Jews; Japanese raped Chinese; Americans raped Vietnamese; Serbians raped Bosnians. Sri Lankans, Kashmiris, Bengalis, Burmese, Somalians, Ugandans...the list can go on for ever. You can get a whole list along with years at this link: http://www.religioustolerance.org/war_rape.htm

I never really understood how a woman might feel after she has been raped: what goes through her mind, what does she think in private, what new fears does she have, does she have feelings or what happens to her inner self, untill I read Vagina Monologue, written by Eve Ensler. Again this is a book, I picked up while lazily gazing through the shelves of the public library, looking for "something" to read. I thought, naughty sounding title; being naughty myself, I went for it. I felt very very naughty reading it too, in the public with people walking past me all the time, till I reached this chapter called: My vagina was My Village. It made me cry. Sitting on a small plastic stool, in that narrow alley, with stacks of books towering over me on both sides, I struggled to control my tears.

Before I proceed, let me give a brief introduction about the book. This book is a collection of monologues with various women across the world and how they related to their vaginas. Among the women, some were raped, some were sexually abused in childhood, some embrassed their sexuality completely, and some were even angry at their vagina. She used to ask them, "If you are given a choice to name your vagina, what would you name it?". There are chapters that would make you laugh like crazy, some makes you blush, but some will make you cry like a baby.

So, someday, when you are feeling open minded and naughty, like how I felt that day, pick it up and read it, I am sure it'll take you by surprise. If not, go to YouTube, there is a whole series done by SFSU. Oh yeah, the one and only San-Francisco!!!

The chapter, My Vagina was My Village is based on the testimonies of a Bosnian women, who was gang raped by soldiers. Of course, since then, the topic: war time rapes, horrifies me. But its the way its written that left me dazed. Somethings makes you feel so heavy at heart, you can hardly express it. Rather than talking more about it, I'd say read it yourself and tell me: did it make you feel, how it made me feel??

An extract from the book, The Vagina Monologues written by Eve Ensler, a playwright and feminist.

In 1993, when I returned to New York after spending 2 months interviewing the Bosnian women refugees in Pakistan and Croatia, I was in a state of outrage. Outraged that 20,000 to 70,000 women are being rapped in the middle of Europe, as a systematic tactics of war, and no one was doing anything to stop it. I couldn't understand it. One of my friends asked me, why are you surprised. Over 500,000 women are raped every year in this country, and in theory we are not at war.

This monologue is based on one women’s story. I wanted to thank her for sharing it with her. I was in awe of her spirit and strength, as I was in awe with every woman I met who survived these terrible atrocities in the former Yugoslavia. This piece is for the Women in Bosnia.

Chapter: My Vagina was my Village.

My vagina was green, water soft pink fields, cow mooing, sun resting, sweet boyfriend touching lightly with soft piece of bland straw.

There is something between my legs. I do not know what it is. I do not know where it is. I do not touch. Not now. Not anymore. Not since.

My vagina was chatty, can’t wait, so much, so much saying, words talking, can’t quit trying, can’t quit saying, oh yes, oh yes.

Not since I dream there’s a dead animal sewn in down there with thick black fishing line. And the dead animal smell cannot be removed. And it’s throat slit and its bleeds through all my summer dresses.

My vagina singing all girls songs, all goats bells ringing songs, all wild autumn fields songs, vagina songs, vagina home songs.

Not since the soldiers put a long thick rifle inside me. So cold, the steel rod canceling my heart. Don’t know whether they’re going to fire it or share it through my spinning brain. Six of them, monstrous doctors with black masks shoving bottles up me too. There were sticks and the end of a broom.

My vagina swimming river water, clean spilling water over sun bathed stones over stone clit, clit stones over and over.

Not since I heard the skin tear, and lemon screeching sounds, not since a piece of my vagina come off in my hand, a part of the lip, now one side of the lip is completely gone.

My vagina: a live wet water village. My vagina my hometown.

Not since they took turns for seven days smelling feces and smoked meat, they left their dirty sperms inside me. I became a river of poison and pus and all the crops died, and the fish.

My vagina a live wet water village.
They invaded it. Butchered it and burned it down.
I do not touch now.
Do not visit.
I live someplace else now.
I don’t know where that is.

Divorce

Ranjish hi sahi dil hi dukhaanay kay liyay aa
Aa phir say mujhay chhorr kay jaanay kay liyay aa

Pehlay say maraasim na sahi phir bhi kabhi to
Rasm-o-rahay duniya hi nibhaanay kay liyay aa

Kis kis ko bataayengay judaai kaa sabab ham
Tu mujh se khafaa hai to zamaanay kay liyay aa

Kuchh to meri pindaar-e-mohabbat ka bharam rakh
Tu bhi to kabhi mujh ko manaanay kay liyay aa

Ek umr say hun lazzat-e-giryaa se bhi mehruum
Aye raahat-e-jaan mujh ko rulaanay kay liyay aa

Ab tak dil-e-khush_feham ko tujh say hain ummeedain
Ye aakhari shammain bhi bujhaanay kay liyay aa
*********************************************
Come, even if only to break my heart
Come, even if only to leave me again

Yes, it is no longer like before, but still
Come, if only for the sake of convention

I cannot tell people the reasons for our separation
Come, even if unhappy, for public show

Respect just a little my love for you
Come, for once, just to appease me

For long I haven’t had even the pleasure of lament
Come, joy of my life, if only to make me weep again

My heart, the optimist, still retains some hope
Come, to extinguish even these last little embers.

I am not an expert in Urdu, neither can I understand it very well. But whenever I read an Urdu poem, I find myself taking pains to search for word translations in Google. I want to understand them.

The above poem was written by Ahmad Faraz, one of the greatest modern Urdu poets, who lived during the last century. Its sung by many. A simple search in YouTube can give you many results. But I reccomend picking up a version sung by a female singer. Here's one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGZfS3gUW8c&feature=related

Now lets talk about the reason why I brought this up. Divorce. Even though this poem is considered romantic, after I talked and observed many divorcees, I realized they also had these mixed emotions. These emotions and thoughts occur before, during and after the divorce. At one point or the other, they all want their ex back, even though you might never hear them say it loudly. The fear and hurt is so strong and deep that they all choose to wear a mask instead.

I always say, loving someone and living together are two different things. One might be madly in love with someone, but he/she might find it highly impossible to live with that person under the same roof. It applies to both love and arranged marriages. Ask around, you will see that lot of divorces happened for no major reason. Its the small small reasons, which piled up over time, that caused the separation. But when people hear about them, they say," You chose to divorce for that?? Ridiculous!!". Well, let me ask you: what gives you the right to ask such a question. Everybody has their reasons. You just need to understand it from their prospective. If you do not have the ability to do so, at least do not ask stupid questions.

So, I say please do not judge. If you haven't been there yourself, you might never understand them completely. But you can do something for them. They are hurting and taking baby steps to make sense out this fatalistic situation in their life. So, be there for them and support them without judging or imposing your will. Encourage them to be their own healers. Be a good listener and do not isolate them. Include them in your parties. Divorce is not contagious.

I also request those couples, who have children and still contemplating divorce, to really think before making a decision. Somehow, I am yet to accept that a child will "eventually" grow out of it. I believe, they never will.